you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
