the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
