So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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