Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
People in love make me want to vomit
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
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