i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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