you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
