She is in my trunk
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
