is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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