I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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