omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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