Your face is a jimmy john
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Randomize
