i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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