I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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