You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
