david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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