omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
