I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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