a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I need water and some morals
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
