i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
