I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
