She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
