i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
