You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
