the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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