Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
