i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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