dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
