That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
