Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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