please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
