My hand turned me down
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
