dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
