sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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