if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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