Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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