I wish my penis had an off switch
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
