Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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