I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
