if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
