i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
