Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
