So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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