So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
