Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
