i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
