got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
