I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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