I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
