Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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