Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
